Diary
by Liv-x-Case-Benson
Summary: Co-writer: E. Scribbles - Seq to Turtleneck - A necklace, a business card with the name Emily Banks in neat cursive script, a blonde on a hotel balcony with a secret that changes her life forever. Even after two years, that night still calls to them both.
1. Surprises

Diary

By: Liv-x-Lex4Ever & E. Scribbles

**Chapter 1: Surprises**

Olivia sat at her desk with a sigh, then eyed the yellow envelope that lay there. Her breath caught in her throat when her mother's necklace fell out. "...Did anyone see who left this?"

When she received no reply, she turned the envelope over, looked at the address on the back and grabbed her coat, ignoring Elliot's inquires as she ran out the door.

A short while later she stood outside a coffee shop. The same coffee shop she and Alex had been to together. A lot.

Her heart beating fast, she looked for a blonde head. She couldn't see one. Maybe she had a wig; maybe she'd dyed her hair. As Olivia frantically turned people around to look at their faces, the man at the counter called her name.

"Someone left something for you." He handed her a coffee and a business card. A hotel business card.

The hotel business card had the name _Emily Banks_ in a neat cursive font across the bottom of it.

Olivia's hand trembled as she knocked. Nothing at first, she knocked twice more and heard someone moving inside the room. Her heart was beating crazily in her chest now, her breathing speeding up.

She heard the knob being turned, and then the door was opened slowly. Her heart sank as she first saw dark hair, then a face she didn't recognize. "Detective Benson?"

She nodded. "Yes, and you are?" she asked curiously.

"Joanna." That was all she offered as she opened the door wider, allowing Olivia into the room. Standing on the balcony looking down onto the street with her back to them stood a blonde. Someone Olivia hadn't seen in over 2 years.

Olivia walked into the room quietly and over to the balcony. "A-Alex?" she asked, still stunned at the occurrence. "Oh my God. A-are you really back?" she asked, her voice cracking.

Alex turned at Olivia's voice, and a smile lit her face, but all she could muster in words was a gentle, "Hi."

Olivia stood, frozen on the spot, her mouth opening and closing multiple times in attempt to start a conversation, but failing. So many things were running through her mind. She just took another step toward her, knowing a few tears were flowing. "Alex..." she breathed.

Alex reached up and brushed away her tears, and they just looked at each other for a long time until the other woman in the room cleared her throat. "Sorry to interrupt but...there's someone else here to see you, Em."

Olivia grabbed her hand, begging, with her eyes, for her not to go. "I..."

Alex squeezed her hand, giving a smile. "I won't be a minute." She went to see who it was, but Olivia kept such a firm grip on her that she was unable to move.

Olivia swallowed, nodding, but still holding on. "Can I sit?" she asked under her breath. "Y-you may need to move me," she whispered.

After a moment's thought, Alex lent forward, making Olivia's heart almost jump from her chest, but she merely pulled a chair in behind Olivia. "I'll stay in view," Alex promised, before making her way into the room opposite. True to her word, she sat in a seat where Olivia could see, if not hear her, as the other woman in the room watched Olivia curiously.

After five agonizing minutes that seemed to last an eternity, she heard the door close and saw her walk back out. "I-I'm sorry. Guess I'm still overly protective...uh...Em, right?" she asked, watching as Alex stood right in front of her.

The pain in Alex's eyes was obvious as Olivia spoke that name. "It's Alex actually…at least to you."

She smiled sadly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't sure," she said, reaching for her hand. "Really. But what do you mean? Do-do people not know?"

Alex sat down on the window ledge next to Olivia, reaching out a hand to take hers. "You're shaking. I'm sorry. I had meant this meeting to be more...special."

"Special?" she asked with a quirked brow. "Alex, I-I'm sorry. It's just-a shock. Two years, under a pseudonym?"

Alex shrugged then gave a smile. "It's nice to finally hear someone using my proper name again. There were so many times I wanted to call you, just to hear you say my name like that."

"But you couldn't because you were supposed to pretend I never existed – _we_ never existed. Can you close the door? A little privacy would be nice." Olivia said politely.

Alex gave a helpless shrug. "I can't. Sorry. I'm not..." Alex bit her lip and considered what she was going to say for a moment before lowering her voice. "We will have a long time to be private. I think Alexandra Cabot is coming back."

* * *

**Author's Note:** What do you think? Short, I know, but some of these will be.

Thanks to my Beta:**Tiger(dot)Lily(dot)Weasley(dot)757**

Please read and review!

**Liv-x-Lex4Ever & E. Scribbles**


	2. Guards and Suspects

Diary

By: Liv-x-Lex4Ever & E. Scribbles

**Chapter 2: Guards and Suspects**

She smiled brilliantly. "Really? When?"

She motioned to the other room. "That's what the discussions are about. They asked me not to tell anyone, but...being so close to you and not being able to see you. I couldn't do it. I hope I didn't disrupt anything important."

"At work? Nah, Elliot can finish up," she said getting up to stand beside her. "So...am I allowed to, at least, hug the gorgeous blonde next to me? Please?"

Alex nodded, and when she felt Olivia's arms around her, her body relaxed against her. "I've missed you so much." Her voice came out as barely a whisper.

Olivia's head rested on her shoulder. "For the last two years, you have no idea how much I've missed you - missed this." She smiled. "And our song." Her lips pressed against Alex's ear briefly. "I love you, Lex," she said, barely any volume to her words before she repositioned her head on her shoulder.

Olivia's phone rang loudly, separating them, both with a sad smile on their faces. As Olivia spoke on the phone, trying to convince Elliot to find someone else to help him without revealing why and Alex returned to her previous position, looking out into the street.

Olivia sighed, closing her phone. "Wow, you know, if this detective thing doesn't work, maybe I should consider acting. I just played Elliot. I wouldn't have, but..."

Alex turned to look at her, "You have to go?"

Olivia shook her head. "Nope," she said with a grin. "Faked sick. He'll forgive me...eventually, now where were we? Unless you want me to go? I could make a miraculous recovery."

Alex smiled and went to reply, but was interrupted by the same woman who had opened the door to Olivia. "Em, do you want to get some lunch?"

Olivia shrugged. "You should eat. I-I can go," she said, although her eyes said that was the last thing she wanted to do.

"...You could come with us?" Alex looked at her nervously.

"Are you sure, Emily? I'd hate to be a bother." Olivia hated the painful look Alex had in her eyes when she used that name, but she was kinda scared of slipping up with just Em. "I'll go with you if you really want me to."

The other woman suddenly spoke in a gentle voice. "It's ok, I know her real name, it's just I've always called her Emily, so it's sort of a hard habit to break. I'm detective Lisa Walters. I left the ...ah...clues for you. And please don't tell anyone or I will be buried under paperwork for years. Emi...Alex begged me."

She sighed in relief. "Begged you?" she asked with a raised brow.

"She cried."

"I did not!"

"She did." The familiar smile that Lisa and Alex shared gave Olivia a pang of sadness.

"Yeah, I bet she did. We-we've become very close." Maybe she just felt sad because it'd been so long since Alex had smiled at her like that, but still. "Um, Detective Walters, before the three of us go out for lunch would it, maybe, be possible for me to speak to her privately? I promise not to jeopardize anything. Just for a second. Now that I know your profession I feel...a bit safer."

After a look from Alex, Lisa gave a slow nod. "Five minutes. I'll wait outside the room."

Olivia gave her a questioning look. "Alex, I hate even asking this, but that smile you two just shared..." she looked off the balcony."Please, tell me I'm being paranoid and over protective and..._we_ haven't gone backwards in whatever _we_ are."

Alex reached out and touched Olivia's shoulder, walking around her until they were face to face. "I have so missed your over protective paranoia. Even if I had tried anything with anyone else, which I didn't, I don't think they would have put up with me calling your name for long."

Olivia nodded. "You're sure? Two years is a long time. And I'm sorry I'm even asking."

Alex reached up and touched Olivia's face. "I'm very, _very_ sure."

Olivia grabbed her fingers, pulling her close. "Good. So what, is she like your personal protector or something?"

"...Or something." Alex ran her finger gently over a small scar that now travelled across Olivia's forehead. "I've missed so much."

Olivia smiled. "You can come back in, Lisa."

Lisa came back in and grabbed her coat from the back of a chair. "Ready to go?"

Olivia looked to Alex. "Yeah, I think we are, right?"

With a nod from Alex, they were out the door.

As they walked out the door, Olivia's phone rang again. Sighing in annoyance she answered. "Benson. Yeah, I know, but you- You son of a—you can do it! No, I-I'm not," she sighed, "fine! I'll be there, alright!"

Alex looked at Olivia sadly. "You need to go?"

She sighed, fighting real tears, nodding. "I wish I could say why I can't but..."

"It's ok." Alex squeezed her hand. "If there's anything I know about, it's not being able to talk about things. You go."

She looked down, tears coursing. "But I don't want to...what if I-I come back a-and..."

"I'll be here. I promise. I will be here. Look." Alex handed her a key to the room.

She looked to Lisa. "So, I'm okay to come afterwards as long as I don't say anything?"

She gave a nod. "If it's late, or no lights are on though, perhaps call first." She handed her a card with a number on it.

"Call you? I'd feel bad waking everyone..."

"It's fine. No doubt someone won't be sleeping, waiting for you."

Olivia smiled shyly, opening her arms. "For good luck and hoping I'm back soon?"

Alex fell into her arms and hugged her tightly, breathing in her smell.

Olivia smiled, taking a deep breath. "Love you," she whispered. "I hope you didn't forget that."

Alex nodded, then let her go, watching sadly as she left.

* * *

**Author's Note:** What do you think?

Thanks to my Beta:**Tiger(dot)Lily(dot)Weasley(dot)757**

Please read and review!

**Liv-x-Lex4Ever & E. Scribbles**


	3. A Night of Memories

Diary

By: Liv-x-Lex4Ever & E. Scribbles

**Chapter 3: A Night of Memories**

Olivia wiped her eyes as she walked into the stationhouse with a sigh. "Okay, what's so important that you don't want to do it to prove your masculinity?" She had to roll her eyes at that one. She would be more than happy to help out, but today was awkward. She'd rather be out enjoying lunch with a person of interest…

* * *

Alex stared at the ceiling. 1AM. So many morning's she'd lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. The slightest noise would make her sit up, only to lay back down when no one appeared.

Olivia saw the lights out, so she pulled out the card and dialed the number.

Alex jumped at the phone, knocking it off the table, and Olivia heard her swearing and scrambling for it before she managed to grab in and speak breathlessly, "Emily."

"It's Liv," she said with a smile, "are you still awake? I know it's late."

The phone went dead, but a second later, Alex was pulling the door open, a smile on her face.

Olivia smiled, pocketing her phone. "I'll take that as a 'yes'," she said, walking in, laughing when she realized Alex was as happy as a kid at Christmas as she closed the door and turned around.

She was grinning widely, barely able to keep still. "Is everything sorted at work? You won't have to go again?"

Olivia wrapped her arms around her to keep her still. "Yes, Alex, everything is okay...for now. I can't say for later. You've got no idea how good it feels to come back to you," she said, inhaling her scent.

"I saved you some dinner. I didn't think you'd have eaten." Alex relaxed into Olivia, moving her hands under her jacket.

She smiled. "Thank you, but can we stay like this for a few more minutes?"

Alex nodded, moving her hands further so they rested on Olivia's skin, craving further closeness. They stood there for almost half an hour in silence.

Olivia sighed. "Wish we had music," she said hearing her stomach growl, "although my body would rather have food at the moment. I just don't want to let you go."

Alex dropped a kiss to her jaw, then her cheek, before pulling away. Taking her hand, she led her to the kitchenette of the hotel suite. "I got everything I remembered you used to eat. I hope you still like it all."

Olivia smiled. "Probably, but I don't know how much I'll want to eat," she answered winking at her. "But I am kinda starving. Are you going to join me?"

She nodded, passing her a beer from the fridge. "I couldn't eat much over dinner. I kept thinking about you."

Olivia smiled. "Aww! You were worried about me? How sweet!"

"Oh, yeah, that's it. I was worried about you. Yep, that's what I was thinking." Alex pulled out the food.

"So you've never, ever worried about me not making it back huh?" Olivia half-joked. "No, but seriously, I could probably guess part of what was on your mind, but if I did, I think we might have a 'situation'."

"I've been worried about you non-stop for two years. It was nice to have a break."

Olivia took a long drink and set it down. "Non-stop? You must've had other things to do. Or...did you just miss me that much?"

Alex smiled and took a bite of food. "Well I was pretty bored..."

"Didn't you work at a laundry mat or something along those lips..." Olivia was so transfixed on her she didn't even notice her slip up, but Alex did.

Alex's lips twitched as she tried to suppress her smile. "Mmm, somehow I don't think washing lacy underwear would have stopped me thinking about you, detective."

She swallowed hard, eating a bit to try to suppress that warm feeling in her gut. "And...would they be yours? Sometimes?" she asked, remembering that night as she leaned back in the chair and closed her eyes for a second.

She was brought back when Alex placed a hand on her knee. "I'm pretty sure I never worked at a laundry mat, Liv. And I saved all my lacy underwear for you."

"See how bad my memory is? See?" she said laughing. She finished what she was eating a few minutes later as Alex picked at her own plate. "Something else on your mind?"

Alex gave a mischievous smile and left the room.

Olivia stood and tried to follow her, but Alex pushed her from the room and told her to wait, so she stood, beside the closed door. Agonizingly, minutes passed and then the door opened.

Alex walked out in aforementioned lacy underwear, barely covered by a shirt. Olivia's shirt. One she'd been looking for since that night. The last night she'd seen Alex. Covering the table in front of the couch were hundreds of photos. "My life," Alex stated simply.

Olivia smiled, picking her up and walking over to the couch. "Sorry, just you look so...irresistible I couldn't let you walk. But, aw, damn, I just realized I could've had you strut for me. Well, now I'm kinda sad that I did that," she answered, letting go of her.

"I could still strut." Alex stood up, putting on a show for Olivia, striking a few poses for her.

Olivia relaxed against the couch. "Turn around slow for me," she said with a smile.

Alex turned around slow, slipping on her black rimmed glasses on as she did so.

Olivia wolf-whistled quietly. "Where've those been? I love how you look in them...I love the way you look period. So damn sexy," she scooted the table back a bit. "Come sit in my lap," she smiled seductively, "Lexxxxxxxx," she said dragging it out.

Alex sat down, pulling her glasses down to look at Olivia over them, giving her a stern look. "Right, are you paying attention, detective?"

Olivia smiled. "Yes, I am, Counselor," she said, wrapping her arms around her, "now tell me all about your adventures while you were away," she whispered into her neck, kissing it gently.

They sat there for over 3 hours as Alex showed her photos and read out sections of a diary from her, a diary Olivia discovered was written to her, every page beginning with Dear O.

Olivia smiled. "You really wrote to me every day?"

Alex handed the book to Olivia. "Yep. It's all yours."

Olivia smiled, kissing her neck. "Why don't you read a little more to me? Please? I miss your voice," she said, repositioning herself against the arm of the couch, lying down with Alex resting against her. She ran her fingers through Alex's long hair, sighing.

Alex nestled against her, then continued to read. "Dear O, I miss you so much today. It's been raining all day, and there's nothing I'd love more than to curl up in your arms in front of a fire. Instead, I'm sitting wrapped in a donna wearing your shirt. it doesn't smell of you anymore. I wish I'd thought to ask you what perfume you wear, just so I could smell something familiar when I feel home sick."

Olivia smiled, kissing her temple. "I don't wear perfume. I'm more of a Tomboy and wear Axe. Not that you've ever complained, of course."

Alex smiled and rubbed her nose on Olivia's neck, breathing her in before sighing. "I don't think I could bear having to go away again."

"So...why are you back all of a sudden?"

Alex rested against Olivia for a long time, before answering gently, "I don't want to talk about it. Tomorrow, maybe."

Olivia sighed, setting the diary on the table, and scooting Alex up so she could hold her properly. "Why can't you, Lex? I know the situation - the rules - are complicated, but I want you to feel better. I'll do anything," she said, nuzzling her neck.

"I've had to think about, live with it, for the last two years. Tonight, I want to stop thinking about it for a while."

Alex turned on her side and cuddled into her.

"The more you say, the harder it is for me not to ask questions," she said stroking her cheek. "You're alive and safe. And I want you kept that way," she held her close. "That's what matters to me."

Alex smiled and lay there for a long time, listening to the sound of the rain falling outside and Olivia's steady heartbeat.

After a bit, Olivia started to hum the song they'd danced to, relaxing as Alex smiled up at her. "My Lex," she breathed. "Are you tired? Should I go home and let you sleep now?"

"Stay," Alex said, yawning as she looked up at her sleepily, her glasses slightly askew.

Olivia yawned. "Should we stay here? Or go to the bedroom?" she asked readjusting Alex's glasses to sit properly on her nose.

Too tired to think, finally relaxed after years of being tense, Alex just murmured something and rested her head back on Olivia's arm.

Olivia, seeing a blanket on the back of the couch, pulled it over them and laid back down. She smiled, noticing Alex clutching her shirt as she moved.

"Don't go...no! Do-don't leave!" she whimpered in her sleep.

Quietly, Olivia readjusted herself and held her securely. "I won't. You'll never get rid of me."

Alex relaxed and fell into a deep sleep, never waking when Olivia moved during the night to make them more comfortable, or to read her diary by the moonlight that shone in the window. Finally, Olivia too fell asleep.

* * *

The sun shone through the blinds, making Alex turn her head in the opposite direction and snuggle more into Olivia.

"Morning, sunshine," Olivia said, smiling at her.

Alex groaned. "Make it go away!" she protested, pulling the blanket up over her head.

Olivia just laughed. "Yeah, I'm not a morning person either," she said pulling the blanket up to see her face, "I'm only happy 'cause you're with me."

"Did I really used to wake up this early every day?" Alex squinted at the clock, then out the window, before groaning again and hiding her face in Olivia's shoulder.

Olivia smiled, wrapping her arms around her. "Two years is one hell of a sabbatical, Lex!"

"I still haven't managed to kick the coffee habit, though."

She laughed. "Who said that was a bad thing?" she said, checking her phone, seeing no missed calls or messages.

Alex reached up from inside the blanket, grabbing Olivia's phone and taking it under with her. A moment later, the phone next to Olivia on the stand rang.

Olivia smiled, sitting up and taking the phone, seeing the number was unavailable. "Hello?" she asked tiredly.

"That was a hint for you to make me a coffee, detective."

Olivia smiled. "Oh, really? Well, maybe if you went with me, I'd want to more."

"I can't get up, too comfortable. You take the phone and I'll talk to you while you make it." She stretched out her legs to free Olivia.

Olivia sighed, swinging her legs over the edge, watching as Alex sat up. She bit her lip in hesitation, hating to even think the answer was no. Slowly, she drew a breath. "Lex?"

"Mmm?" Alex stretched once more before resting back, looking up at Olivia with a half smile.

"I-I've been wanting to ask you for something, but I really don't want your answer to be 'we can't now'."

Alex raised a sleepy eyebrow and reached out for her hand, hanging up the phone. "What is it?"

"I've missed you. Everything about you. Your smile, your laugh, your voice, the way you walk. But I don't want to start something that can't be finished. Lex, I can honestly say, it'll break my heart, but I-I just," she sighed. "I don't know."

"I'm not going anywhere. I can't say exactly what's going to happen...but I'm not leaving. Ever again."

Olivia took her hands. "That's not what I was going to say. Will you kiss me? I just-I want it like that night."

Alex looked at her, her hands squeezing hers tightly. "...I can't. I want it to be special. Perfect. I don't want it to be here, when people still call me Emily. I want it to be when I'm back. The real me is back."

Olivia pulled away. "Oh, okay," she sighed. "I understand," she said sadly. "But can I just..."

"Anything else, Olivia. Anything." Alex looked at her earnestly.

Olivia leaned in closer, kissing her cheek and rubbing the spot, sighing and relishing in the feel of her skin. "Alex..."

"I love hearing you say my name." Alex rubbed her nose against Olivia's.

She smiled, holding her tight. "I've missed saying your name," Olivia said, leaning her head into Alex's neck. "So many nights I'd have nightmares about you being found a-and hurt a-and no one would tell me anything!" she admitted, shaking a bit.

"I used to have the most amazing dreams...we'd just be doing simple things like having breakfast together...and then I'd wake up and you wouldn't be there."

"But I am now," she said. "What do you say?"

Alex just moved closer to her, almost kissing her, but not quite, their lips almost brushing as the air between them became electric. The moment was broken when Lisa walked into the room with a yawn. "I hope someone has made coffee...oh, sorry."

Olivia smiled, pulling Alex's head onto her shoulder. "No, its fine. We were just talking. And no, no one's made coffee yet. I was going to, but..."

As Lisa spoke to Olivia, asking her if she wanted coffee and offering to order room service, Alex repeated her name softly, so happy to be able to say it out loud once more.

Olivia smiled, kissing the top of Alex's head. "Room service sounds good. But I'd still take coffee. Oh and Alex, you may want to hurry off before it arrives because—"

Alex nodded, but entwined her hand in Olivia's and smiled into her neck. "Olivia Benson. _My_ Olivia Benson."

"That's right. Only yours."

"You want a coffee, Em?"

The use of her current name seemed to draw Alex from her thoughts, and her eyes focused as she lifted her head. "Oh. Ah...yeah. You know how I like it. I might...ah...go have a shower while you sort out room service."

Olivia smiled, kissing her hand before she stood, wrapping the blanket around herself, and headed for the bathroom. She grabbed the diary and held it close while Lisa walked over with a menu. "Can't believe it," she said, rubbing the worn leather. "Every day for two years she hasn't stopped thinking about me."

"Not even in her dreams. Olivia this, Olivia that. So, what do you want from room service?"

* * *

**Author's Note:** What do you think?

Review thanks to: Trinitydower

Thanks to my Beta:**Tiger(dot)Lily(dot)Weasley(dot)757**

Please read and review!

**Liv-x-Lex4Ever & E. Scribbles**


	4. Uncover

Diary

By: Liv-x-Lex4Ever & E. Scribbles

**Chapter 4: Uncover**

"Breakfast sounds really good. Hey, can I ask a question? If you can't answer just say so."

After hesitating and glancing towards the bathroom, Lisa gave a nod. "Shoot."

"Are you like her personal guard or something? Why specifically are you with her? And, yes, I am aware that these two questions are bordering on things she can't tell me, maybe even you. It's just...two years is a long time and she shows up with...well you. Nothing against you, of course."

Lisa gave a slight smile. "I'm here as a sort of...go between for her life as Emily and her life as Alex. There are a lot of loose ends that need to be dealt with as I'm sure you're aware. And as for anything else, we came up with a code name for talking about you, and since then, most conversations have been about you, so even if I had had any other ideas, they're long gone."

Olivia shook her head. "In my own way, even though I love her with everything I have, I just want her to be happy. If I messed anything up for you, I apologize." She sighed. "So did you two just get here?"

"Ahh...no comment. Shall I order breakfast now? I'll get Emily pancakes. She's been telling me how good New York pancakes are for years."

Olivia nodded. "I'll take some too. And a large coffee if it's no trouble."

By the time Alex came from the bathroom wearing low slung jeans and, Olivia noticed, another of her t-shirts that had gone missing, room service had delivered and was spread across the table.

Olivia looked up. "Nice hot shower. And how many of my t-shirts did you steal?"

Alex gave a smile, and then a twirl. "Only the two. I think it suits me though."

Olivia patted the spot beside her and slid a plate of pancakes in that direction. "It certainly does." She sighed. "This day would be perfect if no one called me, but that's never the case."

"Anything is possible." Alex leant over and dropped a gentle kiss to Olivia's cheek before starting on her pancakes.

Olivia smiled, setting her phone on the table. "Well, there are three other detectives there, so I would hope they could manage for a bit without me," she said in between bites of pancake.

"You are kinda irreplaceable though." Alex gave her a wink before talking to Lisa about the pancakes, referring to conversations they'd had and people they knew that made Olivia feel out of place.

Olivia sighed, sitting back against the couch, smiling.

Alex slid to the floor in front of the table to eat, but she rested against Olivia's legs, wrapping an arm around one calf as her and Lisa continued to talk.

Olivia smiled with a raised brow. "What are—"

Alex rested her chin on Olivia's knees and looked up at her with a half smile. "Mmm?"

Olivia rested her hands on either side of her cheeks, caressing gently. "You just love to tempt me, don't you?"

She just smiled, massaging the back of Olivia's leg, before turning back to Lisa as they continued to discuss something.

Olivia sighed, twirling Alex's hair 'round her finger. "So, now what? Are you just gonna hide out?"

Lisa and Alex exchanged a look, then Alex looked down at the floor until Lisa answered. "Uh…kind of. We have a few people we need to go and speak to over the next few days, and a few appointments, but...other than that…we need to stay here."

Olivia nodded. "Understandable," she said, petting Alex's long blonde hair. She smiled. "I miss moments like this. If you need any help, let me know, okay? What do you want to do now, Alex?"

Lisa answered for her once more, "We have a meeting in about an hour and ah...well, because we weren't strictly supposed to tell you she was here, you won't be able to come."

Olivia nodded. "That's alright. I should head into work anyway," she rested her hand on Alex's shoulder. "Can you tell me when you're finished? If you can't, I understand..."

Alex looked towards Lisa once more, who answered, "We can't be sure. We don't know what the result of the meeting will be. I can call you when we've finished?"

"Make sure you call my cell. Here's my number," she said, pulling out a card and giving it to her. "Don't want it to be traced," she said with a smile. Then she turned to Alex. "So are we going to have another long night up chatting or not? If so, I need to bring a clean change of clothes. That is, if Lisa doesn't mind."

Alex smiled up at her, but it was Lisa who replied once more, "It's fine by me. You can bring a few things if you like."

* * *

**Author's Note:** What do you think?

Thanks to my Beta:**Tiger(dot)Lily(dot)Weasley(dot)757**

Please read and review!

**Liv-x-Lex4Ever & E. Scribbles**


	5. Heartaches and Mends

Diary

By: Liv-x-Lex4Ever & E. Scribbles

**Chapter 5: Heartaches and Mends**

Later that night, Olivia was a bit worried because Lisa hadn't called. She knew meetings like that could stretch on forever, but didn't figure this long.

Elliot noticed her concern. "What's up with the pacing, Liv?"

She shook her head. "I'm expecting a call. Actually, I have been all day."

"Maybe they're just busy."

She sighed. "Yeah maybe. Hey, I'm gonna take some time. If anything comes up, call."

"Want back up?"

She shook her head. "Nah, I'll be fine."

At the hotel, Olivia remembered the key Alex had given her. Trying Lisa's number again, she pulled out the key and inserted it into the lock. As the phone went to a generic voicemail once more, the door swung slowly open...to an empty room.

"Okay this is...weird," she said walking in. "Emily! Lisa! Is anybody here?" she searched the rooms, finding no evidence of foul play and that eased _some_ of her worries. But then where the hell were they? She knew the squad could trace Lisa's number, but figured it was a disposable cell. She sighed, walking out and closing the door. It was worth a shot.

When she reached the precinct, Elliott was just walking out. "You missed something pretty interesting, partner."

"Save it, I've got bigger problems... My friend never called. I need a cell number traced," but the way Elliot was grinning at her made her want to slap him. "What the hell happened while I was gone?"

"Go take a look." He continued to grin as she half pushed her way towards the squad room.

Olivia walked in, running a hand through her hair in worry. "Where the hell could they b—" Someone was sitting in her chair, facing Cragen's office.

"I told you it was interesting!" Elliott exclaimed as the chair turned.

She looked at him confused. "I don't even know who's there. Please El, don't joke. I'm really worr—"

"Alex. It's Alex. She's back."

"What? You're kidding? Since when?" she asked, feigning shock. "Where is she?" she asked as someone walked up behind her.

"I've been looking through your paper work, making sure you've kept up with it while I've been away." Alex stood next to her with a smile.

Olivia turned. "Oh, thank you. Um, can we...talk for a second?"

Alex noticed she looked like she might've been crying.

Elliott gave a laugh. "Typical Benson. Waits for you to come back for two years, then not even a hello. Interview room 2 is free." He waved them away as Olivia led Alex to the room.

Olivia rolled her eyes muttering, "If he only knew," under her breath as they made their way to the interview room. "You don't mind, do you?"

Instead of speaking, Alex lent forward and planted a kiss on Olivia's lips. When she pulled away, she gave a wide grin then hugged Olivia tightly before stepping back to twirl happily. "I'm back!"

Olivia, thoroughly stunned, grabbed her shoulders. "Run that by me again? You scared the hell out of me when I went to the hotel and—I guess I'm still kinda..."

"I'm back, I'm back!" Alex repeated it over and over again, dropping kisses to Olivia's lips and giggling.

Olivia couldn't smile. She was hearing what Alex was saying but it wasn't really registering. "Alex, stop! Ju-just stop... you really scared me."

Alex reached up a hand and touched Olivia's cheek gently and spoke softly. "I'm back Liv. Forever."

Olivia knew her tears were flowing and she clearly heard the words Alex had just said. "B-but how? I thought it would take more time. A-and the hotel room was-I thought you'd left again," she said, wrapping her arms around her. "Please tell me. Why? Where will you go? What about Lisa?"

"I will come home with you, I hope." Alex smiled then tucked some hair behind Olivia's ear. "I'm sorry. I didn't think. I was just so excited, I came straight here. I don't know what happened with the hotel room or anything. I just came straight here to see you. When you weren't here...I sat in your chair and ...just smiled like an idiot."

Olivia took a deep breath. "This is...a lot to process. I-I don't quite know how to feel."

Someone knocked on the door. Elliot opened it. "Your bags are by her desk, Alex," he said with a smile, "welcome back."

She gave him a smile then looked back at Olivia. "...You are happy, aren't you? I can go and stay somewhere else for a bit if you want..."

Olivia wiped her eyes, kissing her cheek. "Yes, of course, I'm thrilled. It's just...still such a shock." She smiled at her. "I just... How am I just supposed to ignore those two years, Alex? I'm not angry, but..."

"Read my diary." Alex smiled and ran her hand down Olivia's arm to squeeze her hand. "Everything is in there. Even mundane things. Everything."

She smiled, shaking her head and pacing the room. "What the hell is wrong with me, Lex? Why can't I be happy? Is it just because it seems too good to be true? Like a dream I'll wake up from?" she asked, waiting for a response.

Alex grabbed her and pulled her close once more. "I'm here. Forever. It might take a while to sink in...but you're stuck with me, detective."

Olivia sighed, looking everywhere but at her, knowing Alex couldn't read her mind, but hoping she could see the pain that had resided – and grown throughout the day – she'd said she loved her, but - and with Lisa being there, she figured it was a little odd - she hadn't even mentioned it and, for some reason, Olivia's heart was still in pieces even though she was back for good this time. Sighing, she let her eyes bore into Alex's, praying she'd figure it out.

Alex continued to caress her hand. After what seemed like ages to Olivia, she spoke gently. "Nothing happened Liv. With anyone. I needed closeness with someone, someone to talk to about life here. Lisa was that person for me. We would stay up all night sometimes talking...but it was always about you. I was so scared I would never see you again, and I couldn't bare that. We would make up stories about what we thought you might be doing and it...got me through. But that's all she did for me. She helped me survive. You...you help me live."

Olivia tried to speak, but her words were nearly silent. "I-I believe you, but you've got to say it, Lex. I need you to say it. To mean it. Not just a nod or a smile. It didn't even work then. I passed it off, of course, but... I'm sorry. I must look like the weakest woman on Earth right now. I feel like it."

Alex looked into her eyes, seeing as much pain as the night she'd left two years ago. The pain was deep-rooted. Her tears were real. She sighed. "Olivia, not matter how close we are - or how much we used to joke about it - I can't read your mind. Please, tell me what's wrong."

Olivia looked down. "Don't you love me anymore?" she asked her heart close to breaking as she fell against the wall.

Alex tried to pull her into her arms, but she pulled away. "Liv..."

"Why didn't you, Alex? You could've said it or whispered 'me too' as I was leaving..."

Realization suddenly dawned on Alex, and she lowered her head. "I...Olivia...If I hadn't been able to come back, I didn't want you stuck thinking about me forever. I wanted you to move on. I didn't want you to just think about me saying those words..." The rationalization Alex had always used herself suddenly sounded so hollow and she sank onto one of the seats.

"Don't you know that I'd never be able to, Alex? Don't you know me? The lengths I would - and have - gone to, to keep you safe?" she asked, running a hand through her hair. "Damn it, Alex! I'll always feel this way an-and you just brushed it off l-like I didn't matter. You knew you were coming back, you said—" she sighed. "You could've given me a bit of what we had that night, to fall back on."

"I wasn't sure. I wanted to be sure, but I wasn't. They could have changed their mind and said no, go back to being Emily. You think you've had it hard, Liv? You've been here, your home, this whole time. I've been by myself, stuck with people I don't know calling me by a name that's not mine. People telling me I can't do what I love, telling me I can't see the people I love because I'd be killed. Do you know what it's like sitting up night after night looking out your window, terrified someone is going to kill you? I had no one to talk to! So what If I've got used to protecting myself from everyone, even you? So what!" Alex spoke angrily, tears coursing down her cheeks.

Olivia sighed, remaining silent for a long time. "You're right. They could've said that. Sent you away...again. I have been here, but it doesn't feel like my home. Not without you, Lex. I can't even imagine how hard it was not being able to say goodbye to your own mother, not being able to embrace your passion, talk to people you trust. No, I don't know that. You're right. I'd switch places just so you wouldn't have to. I really have no one. I'm used to being alone," she said, sitting in the empty chair next to her without her knowledge. "It does make sense that you were protecting yourself, Lex," she said, placing her hand on her leg. "I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I guess – compared to what you just said – my anger doesn't seem like much does it?"

Alex drew herself away from Olivia, hugging herself tightly.

Olivia sighed. "_My_ Lex, I'm sorry. I would've given anything to take away the pain and make you feel safe again," she wiped her eyes. "Alex, let me try, please? Just let me try," she pleaded.

Alex just managed a nod and managed a slightly hiccupped. "I love you, Olivia."

Olivia lifted her head to look at her, opening her arms. "I love you too," she swallowed the huge lump in her throat, "Alex. So much."

Alex opened her eyes tears still cascading heavily, as she collapsed into Olivia's awaiting arms. "Don't don't let go, please! I know I'm supposed to let nothing get to me, but…"

Olivia's arms wrapped around her shaking frame as she kissed her temple. "You don't have to be strong all the time, Lex."

Alex lifted her head to look up at her. "I wanna go home, please?"

Olivia smiled, kissing her gently as it finally sank in that this wonderful dream was, in fact, reality as she stroked her cheek. "Yes, let's get you home. Into _our_ home."

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**Author's Note:** What do you think?

Thanks to my Beta:**Tiger(dot)Lily(dot)Weasley(dot)757**

Review thanks to: Bkwrmchar, kleberm & Trinitydower

Please read and review!

**Liv-x-Lex4Ever & E. Scribbles**


	6. Finding Peace

Diary

By: Liv-x-Lex4Ever & E. Scribbles

**Chapter 6: Finding Peace**

Two weeks later, Olivia gave a smile, thankful she'd taken some time off work to...do absolutely nothing. Alex exited the bathroom, her hair still wet from the shower, wearing one of Olivia's tops and now also a pair of her pants, and walked straight into her arms. "Good morning, gorgeous."

Olivia smiled, kissing her softly as they sat on the couch. "So what are our plans for doing absolutely nothing?"

Alex moved to rest her legs across Olivia and kissed her gently several times before answering, "How about we just do nothing again?"

Olivia laughed. "Well, I did enjoy last night. A lot. Though I'm kinda paying for it this morning. Damn Lex, when I asked for a bite I didn't mean for you to suck out a liter!"

"Not my fault you're addictive!" Alex nipped her once more on the neck.

She sighed. "Well yeah, but—" her phone rang. "Benson. Oh, Melinda! Did you find it?" she grabbed a piece of paper and pen writing an address. "Thanks so much!"

Alex stuck out her bottom lip as Olivia hung up. "You don't have to go do you? I'm sure I can entice you to stay." Alex moved to straddle Olivia's lap.

Olivia smiled, sticking the folded paper into her pocket. "No, um, actually that had to do with you."

Alex raised an eyebrow then smiled. "Oh, are you going to blindfold me and take me somewhere secret?" She dropped a kiss to Olivia's lips.

Olivia looked away from her. "If I did that, with this, you might hate me. Trust me," she said, taking her hands. "Alex," she said, looking at her seriously and a bit sadly. "I did something for you, but I'm afraid. I don't know if you'll like it."

"I'd like anything you do." Alex smiled, but it faded when she saw the seriousness on Olivia's face. "What is it?"

She swallowed hard. "Re-remember how you told me, that night you were back," she sighed. "I-I don't even want to finish this question..."

Alex took her hands, squeezing them. "Remember what we said. We won't be afraid to tell each other anything from now on."

She nodded, kissing her knuckles. "Yeah, I do." She took a breath. "Remember how you said you were sad that you couldn't even go to your mother's funeral?"

Alex nodded, offering an encouraging smile.

"I-I asked Melinda to get the address to the plot where she was buried. In case you wanted, you know, to give her a proper goodbye. You don't have to. I just thought it might make you feel better."

Olivia's eyes opened wide with surprise when Alex's arms wrapped around her tightly. "That would be perfect."

"Really? I wasn't sure how you'd feel about it," she said hugging her back. "I'm glad you're, at least, okay with it."

Alex dropped as kiss to her nose. "I was thinking about it a lot. I thought it might be...weird. Do you think it would be ok?"

"Me? What do you mean?"

"You will come with me, won't you?"

Olivia smiled, wiping the tears that threatened to spill, though Alex probably couldn't feel them. "Of course I will. We can do whatever you want. Do you want it to be just us or a small gathering?"

Alex shrugged then lowered her gaze. "Everyone else probably went...before. Just you and I would be nice."

Olivia kissed the top of her head. "Okay. Should we go now?"

Alex nodded and squeezed her hand, then stood.

Olivia stood her, handing Alex her coat. "You're sure about this, Lex? We don't have to."

Alex took her hand. "Let's go. We need to get flowers, and coffee, and ...cake. She loved cake."

Olivia smiled. "Lead the way."

It took them fifteen minutes to get all mentioned items and before they knew it, they were en route to their destination.

Olivia sighed. "I suppose, since you're visiting yours, I should visit mine too, huh?" she asked squeezing her hand.

Alex smiled, "Sounds like a fun day, huh? Visiting the parental graves."

She sighed. "Yes. Fun, fun, fun, but hey, at least, you'll get to meet her...one way or another."

Alex reached across and squeezed Olivia's leg, leaving her hand there until they reached their destination.

Olivia parked the car and killed the engine as she took out the paper. "Should be five to my left," she said, getting out.

She expected Alex to follow, but she sat in silence.

Olivia figured she needed a moment of silence, so she crossed her arms and leaned against the car.

A few minutes later, Alex climbed from the car and glanced towards Olivia. "Could you...stay here a moment?" At Olivia's nod, Alex walked slowly towards the grave. She stood in front of it for a long time before dropping to her knees in front of it, placing the flowers and talking, although Olivia couldn't hear what she was saying.

After a few moments, she saw Alex's hands pound the ground. She, somehow, could see Alex shaking a bit. Slowly, she walked up behind her, but keeping her distance.

As she hit the ground, she was repeating over and over. "I hate them! I hate them! I hate them for stopping me being here!"

Olivia dropped to her knees beside her, grabbing her hand. "They kept you safe."

Alex wrestled with her, tried to get away, but eventually gave in and relaxed against her, her words quieting as the fight went out of her.

"That was the idea: keep you safe. So you could come back, for this, for me," she said, as Alex buried her face into her neck as protection from the light wind that was beginning to pick up. "Tell her, Lex. You'll feel better."

Alex shook her head, keeping her face hidden.

Olivia's arms wrapped around her tighter. "Then tell me. Cry, yell, scream if you need to. Keeping it bottled up isn't healthy."

Alex spoke through clenched teeth, her body shaking with anger, sadness and loss. "I missed so much. I hate the people who took me away and I hate the people who were after me…and I hate myself for being so scared that I was willing to leave. I could have stayed, I could have been here for my mum, for you, but I left."

"Alex, you were in danger. You were staying alive. I think she would rather have you live out your life without her than have you meet her at the gates. Don't you think?"

"But she didn't even know! She thought I WAS dead!"

Olivia sighed, hugging her tighter. "But maybe...maybe it was better that way, I know it's a horrible thing to say, but at least she had some idea of what happened, didn't wonder, or go searching and end up asking the wrong person. Listen, what I just said is…sketchy I know, but can you make any peace out of it?"

Alex just kicked angrily at the dirt once more, but after a short while, she relaxed against Olivia and sighed.

Olivia kissed her tears away as more and more came. "That's it, Lex. Let it out. It's okay."

They sat there for a long time until Alex's tears finally stopped and she moved forward to arrange the flowers neatly on her mother's grave, touching the headstone gently.

Olivia rubbed her back as she finished up. "One more trip or would you rather just go home?"

"One more trip, so I can tell your mom how much I love you." Alex gave a small smile and squeezed Olivia's hand as she helped her up.

Olivia smiled, hugging her tight as they leaned on each other for support. "She's not far from here."

They walked forward past six graves before they came across a beautiful grave marker that was overgrown in grass and leaves. The detective dropped to her knees, clearing away as much as she could before gesturing for Alex to join her.

Alex kneeled down beside her, and put down the remaining flowers. "So uh, I can see where you get your looks from, Liv." Alex elbowed her gently.

Olivia smiled. "Actually," she pulled out a photo from her jacket pocket and unfolded it. "It was taken two weeks before... What do you think?" she asked, handing it to Alex.

"...I think...wow. I wish I'd have met her."

Olivia took her hand. "Really? Why's that?"

"She has the same look in her eyes as you. She wants to love, to be loved. She has powerful emotions...only something holds her back. You...you're finding out how to feel, and I think she'd really like that."

Olivia smiled then bit her lip, looking down. "Yeah...yeah, I bet she would've..."

Alex kissed the top of her head then stroked her hair as they sat there for a while.

She smiled, leaning into her. "I don't think I ever tried to make peace...until now. It's not easy. I just...the more I repressed it, the less I thought about it. I buried myself in cases. Helping get justice for the victims. Have a particular soft spot for—"

"I think she knows. And you've achieved what she was never able to. For her."

She wiped her eyes. "And what _exactly_ is that, Alex? I've yet to figure it out."

"Happiness."

Olivia smiled. "Never would've, not without you," she said standing up and helping Alex. "Hey Mom, no matter how much you may not like my profession, you've still gotta admit I'm making strides and names."

"And eating her weight in donuts!" Alex threw over her shoulder as they walked away.

Olivia laughed. "Hey, I thought you liked my slim, muscular physique? If I eat enough, I may never have it again!"

"Don't mention things like that in front of your mom!" Alex hit her on the bum then chased her to the car.

**THE END**

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**Author's Note:** What do you think? This is the last chapter.

On a sort of unrelated note, I'm finally in my new apartment! Yay! Sitting downstairs on my living room floor in my new apartment, no furniture, no bed...no nothing because my Internet's hooked up down here...haha!

Thanks to my Beta:**Tiger(dot)Lily(dot)Weasley(dot)757**

Please read and review!

**Liv-x-Lex4Ever & E. Scribbles**


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